you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
