I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
