Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
