if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
