Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
