The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
