Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
