I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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