420 ftw
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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