i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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