i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
