just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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