We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
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