My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
