I got chris browned last night
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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