Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
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