I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
