I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
