some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
