Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
My pussy is not your playground.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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