I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
