Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
