Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
