i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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