My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
this is an emotional support booty call
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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