im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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