I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
