That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
