I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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