I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You have to summon your inner elephant
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
