Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I want to stick my p in your. b.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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