true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
