so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
