my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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