I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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