turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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