The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
