My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
