I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
she smelled like a LAN party
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
