tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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