mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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