If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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