I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
