I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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