You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Ladies don't puke and tell
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
