Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
