Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
