I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
