while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
