they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
